


I keep thinking of random quotes applied to situations in tellius and I feel like you all should know them

by kyphon



Category: Fire Emblem: Soen no Kiseki/Akatsuki no Megami | Fire Emblem Path of Radiance/Radiant Dawn
Genre: This is literally just random thoughts I want to share because the Tellius tag deserves stupid shit
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-03
Updated: 2020-11-22
Packaged: 2021-03-06 07:28:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 5,434
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25689601
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kyphon/pseuds/kyphon
Summary: please don’t take this seriously I can’t stop laughing and I don’t know if you’d find these funny
Comments: 6
Kudos: 12





	1. do the mario

**Author's Note:**

> I’m sorry

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE IKE PROCS AETHER AND HE JUST SAYS “DO THE MARIO” AND KILLS ASHERA PLEASE PLEASE JUST LET ALL THE USERS OF RAGNELL AND ALONDITE SAY THAT SHWJJSJENE

Gawain “I know you...something something I use axe”

Black Knight “I’m about to end this mans whole career”

All you hear in the night is Gawain doing the Mario death noise and Ike is losing his shit


	2. the magic school bus

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> yune is ms frizz

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> y’all hate me

OK SO YUNE IS MS FRIZZ AND THE KIDS ARE TELLIUS CHARACTERS UHHHH 

what’s the ginger’s name??? with the glasses??? alfred?? arnold??? Andy??? anyways that’s Sothe I think,,, no Pelleas would be better

so instead of the crazy dresses ms frizz wears yune just turns into different birds which meansssssss

ostrich yune 

CAN YALL IMAGINE A GODDESS AS AN OSTRICH TEACHING YOU ABOUT MASS GENOCIDE BSBSHFBBS

“this choir kid always sang to me off key while I was talking a nap time out :3 bitch couldnt sing for shit”

“kid had a hot wife who was like gigantic and her style? immaculate. I tried to get those two and their furry friends on my magic bird bus but they just hijacked it and ran me over 😭😭😭😭”

respect your elders unless they betray you!!! 

I think about king of the hill and the 3 heroes + Lehran all standing there having alcohol,,, beer belly Dheginsea is REAL


	3. peppa pig = ike

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> OINKKKKK

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it autocorrected to peppa pog

I looked up the lyrics to the peppa pig intro and lets just say I NEED TO BINGE THIS APPARENTLY SHE HAS ENEMIES NOW??? SHES DATING SOMEONE??? AINT SHE LIKE 7

ok so these are the current lyrics for the title song courtesy of the peppa pig fandom wiki 😌

(The theme song of the hip-hop)

Peppa. My name is Peppa Pig.

Peppa. And this is George

George. (oinks x2)

Peppa. And she, that's Mummy Pig.

Mummy Pig. (oinks loudly)

Peppa. And that... hes daddy pig.

Daddy Pig. (oinks loudly)

Peppa. Those are my friends. Suzy, Danny, and Pedro

Suzy Sheep. (non-singer) Peppa is so awesome.

Danny Dog. (non-singer) Yes, she is.

Pedro Pony. (non-singer) She is my girlfriend.

Peppa. Oh, and I also have enemies. They're names are Emily, Lisa, and Brianna.

Emily. (non-singer) Peppa is low class.

Lisa. (non-singer) I agree.

Brianna. (non-singer) Even more.

Peppa. No I'm not. I am Peppa Pig, and this is George, this is Mummy Pig, and this is Daddy Pig. (x4)

Peppa. (oinks x2)

Everyone in Peppatown. (claps rhythmical)

Peppa. (standing next to the 2015 Peppa Pig logo) Peppa Pig.

Peppa. (draws the title of the episode)

I will now slap tellius on it. for p.p. purposes Elena and Gawain didn’t get yeeted to the afterlife 

(The theme song of the hip-hop (wtf is the hip hop,,, anyways play opening of por and rd at the same time))

Peppa (Ike). My name is Ike Pig.

Peppa. And this is George

George (Mist). (gets benched even though she deserves the hype Ike gets but doesn’t have the screen time or stats to do so x2)

Peppa. And she, that's Mummy Pig.

Mummy (Elena) Pig. (dies loudly)

Peppa. And that... hes daddy pig.

Daddy Pig. (runs away from his problems loudly)

Peppa. Those are my friends. Suzy (Titania), Danny (Soren), and Pedro (Ranulf)

Suzy Sheep. (non-singer) Ike is so fucking dumb but he’s still my adopted son.

Danny Dog. (non-singer) Yes, he is. He also can’t do math because the bitch is gay like me.

Pedro Pony (Afro-Latino Ranulf 😳?). (non-singer) He is my good close friend :). He’s called me stupid cat and would probably punt me into the sky while laughing at my joke.

Peppa. Oh, and I also have enemies. They're names are Emily (Ashnard), Lisa (Ashera) and Brianna (3/4s Micaiah)

Emily. (non-singer) Peppa is low class and I couldn’t get that dilf package of his dad 😔.

Lisa. (non-singer) Wtf is a dilf shut up he’s fucking stupid for back talking me

Brianna. (non-singer) Sothe fucking pines for him 24/7 and he’s gotten eternal bond stuck in my head like sweet caroline in a white persons head for fucks sake I WILL thani bomb him.

Peppa. Brianna you have one of the highest luck growths in the game yet I still beat your ass with my fucking headband— CASTLEVANIA STYLE. I am Ike Pig, and this is George, this is Mummy Pig, and this is Daddy Pig. (how many times do we have to teach you a lesson old man x4 in tower of guidance)

Peppa. (did game required final blows when it should’ve been Elincia and Micaiah or at least a tag team blow x2)

Everyone in Tellius. (grunts rhythmical to the beat of the Devoted.)

Peppa. (standing next to the peg leg awakening Ike.) Discount rip off 99 cent store lookin google chrome flip-phone no home disowned headass.

Peppa. (draws the unnecessary death of the game.) 

I hope you enjoyed this shitshow


	4. deal or no deal

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sephiran hosts deal or no deal

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I still have the wii game for this and I’ve never gotten the jackpot

First thing first doesnt howie mandel host this show???? either way it’s a bald guy so pilly’s bald Sephiran is canon.

I like to think it’s a cheap wig that Sanaki bought for him at party city for $2

Anyways  


so the contestant coming on is obviously Ike with the main gm gang there to support and yell at him

-soren keeps screaming bloody murder about which case has the money in it and if ike doesn’t listen to him and they go home with $5 soren will rexcaliber that bitch to ashuneras revival

-turns out soren was wrong, he said it was case 16, it was case 7

the caller mystery guy is Zelgius trying to do a Boston accent but failing spectacularly, he offers Ike an assortment of things like who the identity of the black knight is, a chance to fight his father once again, leg extensions, a nice cape that’s a perfect sleeping bag 

titania and mist have to hold Soren back after Ike says “money is temporary, drip is forever 😳🙈”

the case people are just absolute done with this shit laguz army, mainly the beefy guys

since the chicks on the actual show their boobies a bunch the guys are shirtless. The only lady actually showing off a case is Calill

the audience is filled up with the remaining characters all dunking on ike to make a decision

-ike says fuck the money because tellius have no problem with money I swear 

so he cracks at the black knight identity and Sephiran and Zelgius just. Sit there, making eye contact at the screen.   
  


Zelgius walks on down to the stage and says that he’s the black knight, to which everyone just: 👁👄👁 

how do you go from Ronald McDonald to Hot Topic Poster Guy?

ike proceeds to whip out rangell and now the girls are fighting!!!!!!! on stage!!! on live tv as ashera wonders why she made these people!!

the real winner here was heather who took all the money in the cases and dipped

its funny because the jackpot was releasing yune, which happened anyways because of the fighting

wwe wrestle mania brawl showdown rage cage fight tag team to the death ring of fire spectacular spectacle of epic legend must see event

Boyd, Tibarn, and Ranulf all recorded the fight from different standpoints on worldstar 

Sanaki threw a meteor on the place afterwards because !!! fuck you

everyone went to ihop after and the people working there were the dawn brigade, bless their hearts

micaiah lost her shit and served them all undercooked pancakes

fire emblem: tellius food poisoning!


	5. death metal daein

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> perhaps all the residents of daein are death metal fans by heart

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the mages of daein do screamo for spells

Battle of Nox but Micaiah is just screaming “LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOOOOOOOOOOR” the entire time to boost morale 

THE DAWN BRIGADE MEET UPS ARE JUST THOSE SCENE KIDS DANCING UNDER THE BRIDGE....

jill got that hair teasing MASTERED, sothe has the style of 2005 hot topic, and pelleas has the natural eyeliner because he’s fucking tired 

the Royal family of daein introduces death metal to the people, Ashnard didn’t pick the four riders based off of strength 😳😳😳 it was off of their talent in music so he could create the ultimate band. 

black knight = drums  
petrine = guitar that quite literally is on fire   
bryce = bass.   
betram = background singer because his grunts and other odd noises add flavor 😋😊  
ashnard = lead singer obviously,,,

Almedha realizes Soren is her son when she sees part of hair dyed the exact blue Ashnard dyed it, she wigs out

“On our mom Kurthnaga, that kid had the exact shade of blue Ashturd did!!!”

“That’s literally a normal shade of blue,,,”

“Well you know what?”

“...”

“Your bangs are uneven and you got baby hands”

“Ma’am you fucked the murderer of our brother”


	6. what if

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> what if ___ didn’t ___???

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is me trying to figure out what caused the biggest problems in the story and making them funny because I’m pulling a cw//// Sylvain

Imagine if soren wasn’t such a fucking asshole and used his gayass brain to fit the pieces together about his true family because I SWEAR WE WERE ROBBED OF MICAIAH AND SOREN SUPPORTS BECAUSE THOSE WOULDVE VEEN AMAZING.....we already got soren and stefan and Micaiah and stefan but not the resident branded mages 😭😭 

Also it probably would’ve helped in trying to not escalate the fucking war to mica almost burning the holy guard and Ike fucking obliterating daein 

What if Skrimir wasn’t a fucking himbo??? This is canon I think, especially when he says it’s Ranulfs job to think,,, could you imagine,,,, he probably wouldn’t have gotten fucking luna’d by zelgius 🙈🙈

I will list the things that I think caused the most problems in tellius,,,

1\. Lehran going cuckoo for cocopuffs, obviously / IF HE DIDNT FUCKING KIDNAP LILLIA????

2\. Almedha. This woman said fuck y’all I’m fucking this bitch and that’s exactly how Rajaion, Ena, and Nasir got caught up in the mess that is Ashnard,,, Almedha is very. Tragic. Her story is that of misunderstandings and wanting freedom but in return she loses so much because of her love,,,, had she been more open and not the eternal dragon stubborn, it’s possible to speculate that  
-she could’ve saved lillia and not lose soren  
-could’ve been the ultimate spy for goldoa, which would’ve been extremely helpful to the laguz alliance because they immediately could’ve started a war over a princess of serenes and a prince of goldoa, PLUS it would’ve been even worse for daein had they found out about izuka  
-saved pelleas by telling him of the blood pact BECAUSE SHE WATCHED ASHNARD KILL HIS FAMILY,,,SHE WATCHED HIM DO MANY HORRID THINGS AND DIDNT TRY AND GET SOME HELP,,,,idk

3\. Pelleas using .2 more braincells Pelleas is a thoughtful and caring guy who keeps getting used and it’s mean!!! He genuinely wants to help everyone and support Micaiah but he always listens to izuka and worries so fucking much,,,I love him dearly but I wish he would’ve gotten a backbone sooner so izuka could’ve been dealt with AND he could confront almedha about what she knows because that would’ve made their ties to begnion a lot easier to deal with

4\. IF GAWAIN DIDNT TOUCH THE FUCKING MEDALLION  
all I will say on this is that Elena still being alive would’ve been huge trouble for Ashnard and Lehran since she knew of lillia and took the medallion with her, plus they had escaped to Gallia where they could’ve easily met with tibarn and reyson and WHAMOO!!!! also soren wouldn’t have been as bitter (he still would be bitter, but a tad less) had Gawain not gone yeehaw!! He and Ike would’ve been friends at a much younger age and he wouldn’t be so lonely,,

that’s all I can really think of aside from zelgius not joining the army and stefan not stepping in to help ike with swords, but anyways I hope these made sense they probably didn’t but I tried!!!


	7. the money match

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the Tellius gang decide the only way to determine the victor of the war is through a fist fight between their chosen leaders

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hit my head typing this ow

it’s not fucking wwe or ufc its just fighting behind a Denny’s at 2am while someone is blasting Beyoncé 

the top contenders for the laguz alliance were tibarn skrimir ike heather mordecai and titania (and many others but I’m tired), though reyson sanaki and soren (and others but again, I’m tired) were ready to burn everything down but were banned from competition

•reyson because he would die  
•soren because he would kill the opponent with no remorse  
•sanaki because both sides legitimately cannot hurt her or else Tanith and Sigrun will lose it

the chosen fighter was going to be determined through arm wrestling, but then someone (soren) rigged it to Ike’s favor

now it was decided between Rock Paper Scissors and Tibarn and skrimir immediately lost to which Skrimir declared he didn’t know the rules well enough (Ranulf explained it to him 5 times, he kept saying “FANG!”)

titania and heather were doing this for no reason, though heather wanted to impress someone and titania just wanted to “teach these fools how it’s done” (she had done this for years against soren and never won, however she thought she’d be perfect to win)

Ike and mordecai were sorta. Just there unwillingly. Yet somehow they made it to the finals and Ike almost lost.

Almost.

Almost.... 

and then soren “distracted” mordecai with a squirrel that had tried to bite him

mordecai forfeited because he wanted to hang out with the squirrel more, and Ike wanted to scream

“god shits in my dinner once again”

Now on the daein side it was between Maurim, Meg, Nolan, Tormod, Nailah, Fiona, Jill and barely Micaiah in arm wrestling because everyone had to calm both Pelleas and Sothe down from having a meltdown

•Maurim was only there to ensure that Tormod could get as far as he could, which worked

•Nailah would’ve made it to the finals regardless of her strength because Volug and Rafiel were “cheering her on”(they were giving the death stare to every opponent who went against her)

It’s worth mentioning that whatever training nailah did or whatever she eats is fucking indescribable because she barely broke a sweat slamming jills arm through a table

•Micaiah was just happy to participate but Pelleas and Sothe threatened or bribed her opponents to lose

And so, the final match was between Micaiah and Nailah.

Everyone thought Nailah was going to win because well. She’s Nailah, Wolf Queen of Hatari. Sothe and Pelleas were shaking in their binders

“I’m back little meatlings:)”

IT WAS YUNE WITH THE POWERUP OF THE MILLENNIUM AND MICAIAH FUCKING ASCENDED TO ANOTHER REALM AND NSJWIWKSKDJJEJE SHE WON EVERYONE WAS SCARED SHITLESS 

Nailah just said “yeah no” and opened a can of white claw

That left the fist fight of tellius to decide who would win the war

From the West is your mans Ike, from the East its ya girl Micaiah, both of them really don’t want to be here and just want to go home

Everyone watching was having a cookout so that if this took a bit, they wouldn’t go hungry. The burgers powered up ike because he cared more for the food than you know, winning a war.

Elincia, ever the mediator and peaceful woman, was the referee, but that didn’t mean she tried to stop the fight on the account of the medallion

•no one cared about that rn they just wanted some food and a good fight

Shinon, Gatrie, Volke, Edward, Aran, Aimee, Boyd, along with many others put in bets for who would win, Kurthnaga surprisingly bet the entire Goldoa treasury.

When the matched started Micaiah started spit roasting Ike about his raggedy ass clothes while she was bouncin in her general of daein outfit

Ike countered with how fucking terrible the management of her army is and if he allowed soren to do what he wanted their country would be gone by next week: “that’s why your shoes raggedy”

To which Micaiah started busting out the real deep shit  
“that’s why your mama dead. dead as your dad. what shoes they got on in their graves?”

Everyone stopped real quick and the only thing you could hear was mist quietly sobbing,,,,

Now Ike was PISSED and yelled for Mia to toss him ragnell while throwing the first punch and Micaiah to Sothe to give her purge 

Pelleas rushed to her side and was ready to lay down his life, meanwhile Soren had already rolled up his sleeves and tackled Pelleas

Once again, it was an all out war with everyone fighting each other to the point where the medallion was scorched with flames that started a small wildfire (wheres water magic when you need it)

Soon all the those who could touch the medallion were death dropping to the floor, yet only nailah stopped fighting to care for rafiel

the last straw was Zihark accidentally cutting 3/4s of Soren’s hair off, causing a chain reaction of Ike screaming bloody murder, Rhys thinking he got hurt and KNOCKED THE BITCH OUT WITH A STAFF, Sothe putting him in a chokehold, titania grabbing him by his long add scarf and whipping him around like nothing, and finally illyana doing the biggest fucking bolting ever to try and end it once for all.

technically, it worked.

because then ashera woke up and ended mankind.

Laguz Alliance— 0 Daein Army— 0 Sephiran— 1


	8. friday night uno with the three heroes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the three heroes play uno for a “team bonding exercise” and lehran is just there trying to not cry

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> they are playing with 10 cards, train, doubles, stack, and the balance of order and chaos

uno came after wii sports and mario kart, to which they broke the tv and the wii. lehran has quite the temper when his yoshi gets hit by a red shell.

Ashera is simply upstairs watching golden girls, waiting to see if they blow the house up

in uno they were all perfectly matched, as it takes speed, offensive abilities, strategy, and a poker face to win.

....that being said this match lasted an hour and ended with a plastered altina and soan possibly causing damage to the foundation of the house

among the insults hurled at each other (except at lehran because he’d explode) these were heard the loudest 

“you can’t even talk soan your only official arts are in your beast form mouth breather”

“dheginsea I will use that stupid mullet of yours to sharpen my weapons if you don’t stop SKIPPING ME”

“all of you are the stupidest people alive THATS A 9 NOT A 6”

lehran just quietly places down his cards and occasionally gets some water because he’s sweating up a storm

“if soan just keeps the color yellow then I can win,,,,”

at this point his patience and heron nature was running thin because of how many times soan placed +2s on him while also calling uno before he could.

the other three didnt seem to care about winning anymore so long as they placed more damage on the other, and they unknowingly fed the thing under the stairs

it was all over when soan dropped a +4 wild on lehran.

y’all thought reyson or leanne could get angry as shit???? they don’t compare to whippersnapper lehran

“Altina I’ll dismantle your empire from within and betray your descendants so that the entire continent will fall to chaos” surprise. he actually did do that.

Dheginsea shut him up before he could spew anything else because the faint sound of kpop flowed into the room

“soan I didn’t you stanned blackpink 😳”

“I like nct more????”

“Then who’s playing their song”

....  
...  
..  
.  
yune was.

“I am the thing under the stairs, also known as your moms estranged sister twice removed :/“

Dheginsea thought it was a fat ass bug because her hair was A RATS NEST

the entire basement soon became a battleground for playing whack-a-goddess and they all sucked ASS at it, further causing more damage to the point where ashera had to pause golden girls 

“the fuck y’all doing soan did you eat all the popsic— shittttttttt”

the fighting may have stopped between the basement kids and the rat nest but now it was sister vs sister and it was taken to OUTSIDE

*neither of them won because lehrans screaming for them to stop actually knocked them out, and also because the cops came and tased them.

and that was the real goddess war ☺️☺️ as told by dheginsea ☺️☺️☺️ 

“dheginsea that’s the worst writing ever Sothe could do better and he can’t even write his name”

“at least I didn’t lose my brother to a crazy bitch who got hitched your sister, KURTH.”


	9. soren commits federal crimes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> fuck yoshi has committed tax fraud

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> please comment what else you wanna see I’m getting swamped by school

soren was the boy with the boomin system, as goddess nicki minaj once said.

you may ask “why did he take all the gm bank account money for himself” 

the answer is simple. how else was he going to keep dheginsea and izuka from spilling the truth. homie doesn’t want to rule daein he just wants to play chess at 3am and burn it afterwards

list of crimes soren has committed:  
-all of them

he doesn’t talk to Micaiah because he knows her fragility as a unit expands to her self esteem and MAN HE WILL NOT HOLD BACK.

“bitch you got a whole cult following you you’re starting to turn into a kpop idol”

“and what about it”

“you aren’t the best kpop artist”

!!!!:000000 GASP!! he said the forbidden truth!!!!

but if Micaiah isn’t the best....then who is?

“>:( you must say who is supposedly better than me before I released rabid fans on you!!!”

(note: the rabid fans are Sothe and Pelleas who have the offical Dawn Maiden glow sticks)

“it’s PSY fucker.”

“damn...you’re right”

of he is!!! you couldn’t get your own hashtag trending!!! 🤣🤣🤣

“I shall now Gangnam Style your ass with my knife tome”

“...knife what”

“it’s sharknado but knife stupid”

Pelleas suddenly stormed into the secret HQ of the branded!!!! The guards were stupid and thought his spirit mark was a fucking brand!!!! Fucking dumbasses!!!

“don’t talk my queen like that”

“ain’t you the king of daein tho. is she your wifey?”

“😳👉👈”

“🥺 perhaps”

“congratulations :) have a nice honeymoon in the dead endings credits!”

sharknado....but knives. Sothe skidaddles on over to Crimea and takes a fat vape before ripping out sorens right big toe nail. 

jokes on him!!!! Soren doesn’t have feet.


	10. 3-12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> different dialogue for 3-12 and wtf was Micaiah doing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 3-12 could’ve been the next family barbecue smh 🙄

Sothe: hey sis fam what we gonna do about the empress coming this way, the other bitches fighting the mercenaries rn to stall them so like. 

Micaiah: Sothe have I ever told you I do recreational drugs

Sothe: I’ve seen you do it and you sold one of my shoes for like. 1/4 of a bag so yeah

Micaiah: good then I need you to know that this entire fucking war has been led by stoned me

Jill: you have got to be fucking kidding me I could’ve been amazoning sooner if you didn’t get high everytime Pelleas talked to you????

Micaiah: ye. but let’s not worry about that because our king needs time to read even though he can’t.

Zihark: fucking moronsexual 

Micaiah: ok and

Everyone stares at Micaiah because they can hear sanakis bass boosted radio playing the Macarena in the distance

Mica: shit we gotta come up with a plan

Leonardo: did you NOT strategize before we came to this fucking shit ditch valley?

Mica: once again. I am stoned.

everyone does that face palm gif

Edward: you know I have been craving flying animal meat

Illyana: same because this army has the WORST rations ever I ate like 2 pounds of dirt yesterday because of it

Tauroneo: I should’ve retired my fucking god I hate all of you

Mica: OK LISTEN UP I HAVE A PLAN!!!!!!

Sothe: please tell me it won’t be stupid and cause even more chaos

Mica: ofc it won’t!!! we’re just going kill the empress

Everyone: bruh

—————

Sanaki: soldiers!!! do the Macarena with me or else!!!!

Sigrun: kid we’ve been doing it for two hours we can’t fucking do it anymore

Tanith: I should’ve never given her the aux 

Sanaki: on ashera I will meteor you. 

Tanith: bet

Sigrun: ....anyways we should be pretty good going through here, the daein losers are fighting Ike so we’ll be fine 

they were not fine.  
—————  
mica: great news!!! I pulled a USA and took all the oil from the ground!

Sothe: we already knew that because you MADE US GET THAT DAMN OIL

Mica: anyways. everyone formmmmm up! surround them all!!! 

Aran: why did I join the army

Laura: they promised benefits but we get weed chick instead

Mica: rude!!!! ok so archers get to the ledge and get those rocks ready we gotta pancake some bitches!!!

Sothe and Illyana: *intense flashbacks* not an eat rock....

*the holy guard comes strolling in with the shittiest camouflage ever because pure white pegasi are so practical!!!*

Mica: GET THE FUCK INTO POSITION AND WHERES MY MONSTER ENERGY DRINK

—————  
Sanaki: hey I don’t think we’re alone *points to archers on cliff doing some intense aim practice*

Sigrun: I really fucking hate that dawn maiden stank feet won’t retreat can’t defeat no home flip phone 38 chromosome stupid as hell I hope she fell and broke a leg can’t fucking take one hit bitch EVERYONE GET READY TO NEIGH AT THESE FOOLS

Begnion bitches: *everyone horse girl impressions*

Jill: oh my god did y’all hear that

Fiona: they neighed....all at once...in sync. breathtaking

Mica: we can do better!!! Uhhhh everyone howl like you’re in twilight!!!!

*its super ineffective!*

Sothe: I really want to go home

Edward: who’s gonna tell him 

Mica: alright stfu attack their asses!!!!

*30-40 units die later and really boring rocks fall*

Mica: Sothe are you ready to learn how to grill pegasi

Sothe: is that what the oil is for

Mica: no shit 

*they roll them oil bins to the ledge*

Illyana: I really don’t like where this is going

Mica: just shut up and get a flame tome. AYE FIRE MAGES GET READY  
——————  
Sanaki: hey moms what that coming to fall on us

Sigrun and Tanith look at each other before screaming: FLY THE FUCKING FASTEST YOU CAN HOLY GAURD YOURE GONNA GET SOME HEFTY BURNS

Kieran somewhere below: omg they’re pulling an fe4....y’all better start running LMAFOOOOO  
—————

Mica: I’m such a pog champ. Look at us go. It’s hot as hell. It smells like shit. People are screaming and crying out in pain.

Sothe: maybe you should’ve left me on the curb MICAIAH YOURE LITERALLY COMMITTING LIKE 50 WAR CRIMES AT ONCE IF YOU KILL THE EMPRESS AND HOLY GAYRD AND CRIMEAN ROYAL KNIGHTS WERE FUCKING DONE

Mica: and wtf are they gonna do? go cry to their moms? they don’t even have parents!!!!!

*tibarn comes flying in faster than Ike’s speed stat and fucking grabs Sothe like a pool noodle*

tib: MOTHERFUCKERS WHAT IS GOING ONNNNN

mica: NOT MY EMOTIONAL SUPPORT FRIEND

Sothe: I’m your fucking brother bitch also Tibarn is this what you do to Reyson when y’all—

*stress toy Sothe has been made*

Tibarn: I WILL FUCKING DROP YOU INTO THE FIRE YOU CAUSED ILL MAKE A BALD EDIT OF YOU SOON TO BE ZUKO

meg: and no ones gonna stop him? wowwww some world we live in

mica: SHUT UP MEG 

Edward: SHE SAID THE FUNNY AHAHAHAHAHHAHA

*ike comes in* 

Ike: I heard a family guy reference what’s up

Mica: FUCKING HELL 

Ranulf: bro calm your non existent tits down and surrender or you’re gonna become a daein salad

Mica: we literally fucking can’t and don’t leave it up to me to make choices right now I’m PLASTERED 🤩

Sanaki: YALL STOP FIGHTING IM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED 

Ike: blame the no legendary alt over here

Mica: FUCK YOU AND YOUR TWO BOYFRIENDS

Tibarn: alright I’m dropping him good job

*he drops sothe*

Sothe: BUT I DIDNT GET TO PLAY MADDEN 21 NOOOOOOOOOOOO

Mica: I am now going to explode

*sike ulki got him*

Tibarn: Micaiah go to fucking rehab for your own good

Micaiah: I don’t have insurance :(

Tauroneo: I thought you had pelleascare?


	11. soren and me, no I don’t kin him

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I relate to soren too much. Just me crying

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hc that Soren has a speech impediment

Do you guys ever hate your parents. Even if you know them or not do you hate them? Do you wish they never would’ve conceived you? What do you wish?

What did Soren wish about his parents, at such a young age he knew nothing but pain. He was born from supposed greatness, yet walked the line between life and death for oh so many years.

Born to King Ashnard of Daein and Princess Almedha of Goldoa, he would be unstoppable. Untouchable. So powerful. Yet. They threw him away. They threw away the potential like flowers after a rejection.

But still. Out of his own willpower (definitely influenced by Ike and his hatred of everything) he rose to the top, without the status given to him at birth. He had no one. Trusted no one. Loved no one for so fucking long because of his fucking parents and just.

I’m really frustrated with my parents right now, and I see a lot of myself in soren. 

Born from supposed greatness, then cast aside like trash.

That’s exactly our lives, because we’ve had little to no support. Even if my family didn’t pass down depression, I still would’ve gotten it because of how much my family made me hate myself with their offhand comments. Their looks cultivated through the years. Even now, they still do that.

Even now, I’m still their trash.

The term “daughter,” “son,” “child,” does not include the love parents should give you. That’s just the title given. It doesn’t promise warmth or happiness. We don’t have a choice as to who we’re born to.

Soren is lucky because he never knew his parents, though that has its own cons.

I know my parents like the back of hand, and know exactly the type of person they are. That’s unlucky, but still has its pros.

I have wondered time and time again what would happen if I ran away and started anew. Many times I came close to doing it, running away having hidden meanings.

But I can never truly run away. The memories will follow. The words they said, the things they did— nothing is lost. And suppressing these memories will hurt worse in the end.

I’m unsure if Soren will ever get over his past even after much closure, the same for me.

It really hurts when you make your child genuinely believe they’d be better off mute and emotionless because of what you’ve caused, intentionally or not.

Everything adds up. Everything is taken note of. I do not forget, mother. I will never forget. 

And I will never forgive you either.


	12. a guide to the dilfs and milfs of tellius

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> writing down the hot parent bitches for your leisure, note that some of these are hcs

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dheginsea and ena in feh but at the cost of no nasir or kurth 😠

Beorc dilf:

Gawain/Greil— father of Ike and Mist

Largo— Adopted dad of Amy

Ashnard— father of Soren 

Brom— father of Meg

Shiharam— father of Jill

Haar— father figure to Jill

Beorc milf:

Calill— adopted mother of Amy 

Altina— mother of Meshua

Elena— mother of Ike and Mist

Sigrun— mother figure to Sanaki

Tanith— mother figure to Sanaki

Branded dilf:

Zelgius— father figure to sanaki by association 

Branded milf:

Micaiah— mother figure to sothe (though this is debatable because she can be more of an older sister)

Laguz dilf:

Dheginsea— father of Kurthnaga, Almedha, and Rajaion 

Lehran/Sephiran— father of Meshua, father figure to Sanaki

Nasir— father to unknown dragon, grandfather of ena

Rajaion— father to ena’s unborn child

Nealuchi— no explanation needed

Maurim— father figure to Tormod

Laguz milf:

Almedha— mother of Soren

Ena— mother of unborn child

Nailah— I just have a feeling ok

Other:

Ashunera— mother of all life

Ike and Sothe: because of the joke in part 1 made by Micaiah, not to be taken seriously


	13. tellius thanksgiving eating contest

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> nom nom

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kirby would fit well into Fire Emblem

“Slorp” there goes the hot diggity dogs

Fuckin nasty ass sound Illyana this is why you’re the demote

Mist wonders how Illyana can eat so much when her body is thinner than chicken leg soren

Speaking of which. Illyana tried to swipe his kneecaps

“Bone marrow bitch!!! Put your twink ass to some good use!”

“The day that you lose an eating contest shall be the day I will die”

Kirby appeared out of nowhere with a funky hat and some cupcakes, making everyone faint

“Poyo poyoooooooo”

Everyone gasped!!!!

Translation: “fuck y’all you never seen a bubblegum god killer like me?????”

who’s gonna tell him 🤨

anyways so Kirby said,”poyo poyo Illyana I’m gonna eat 3000 tons of food match me and you get to eat dedede”

“That sounds dededelicous!!!!!!”

Oscar was the referee and cook, obviously.

3...  
2.......  
1..........

“Nom!”

Volug looked at Rafiel and asked “how did the heron lose its leg?”

“Are you threatening me”

“No but I’m not against it”

“Fuck you”

“It lost its leg in ‘nom”

...  
....  
.....

The way that joke hit harder than Reyson bitch slapping Oliver 

Kirby out ate Illyana and at once point ate her hair so get your bald edits ready!!!

“Poyo I win-o” 

Everyone looked at Soren who banged his head against the rock hard abs of the part 3 horses

“slorp time!!! I’m gonna use fucking urvan to filet your ass!!! move it twink!”

and move it he did


End file.
